A Living Love Language
- Gabi Reel
- Jun 25, 2019
- 4 min read
Everyone gives and receives love differently. The way that we love influences our communication skills and our relationships with one another. It’s important to learn the love language of the relationships that you have – not just intimate relationships, but friendships, families, children, etc. More important than just knowing the love languages of others, we must implement them and work on the way that we love in order to create lasting relationships.
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the The 5 Love Languages, says that everyone feels loved in one (or more) of these five ways:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gifts
You can take the five love languages test here to find out your own love language.
Personally, I receive love through words of affirmation and quality time. I give love through words of affirmation and gifts. What’s crucial to understanding and communicating love to one another is that the way I choose to give love is not always the way that others receive it. I can buy my mom gift after gift, but if I’m not calling her and telling her I love and appreciate her then she’s not going to feel love from me, because her love language is words of affirmation. It’s not always about what I want to do and how I feel about a thing, it’s what the other person needs in order to feel love. Love is sacrificial. It’s about giving of ourselves to one another and putting another person’s needs before our own. Scripture talks so much about selflessness that it’s no surprise how vital it is to our relationships.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2: 3-4 (NIV)
In valuing another before ourselves we look at our relationships with a different perspective. Your interaction towards another person changes once you understand their love language. You reach them differently. You open up a world of trust and compassion.
What’s important to know about love languages is that each person experiences theirs in a different way. What words of affirmation might look like to one person could resemble receiving a love letter while to another it may look like a phone call or FaceTime from someone they love. I decided to look deeper in this and took a poll over Instagram asking people how they experience feeling loved. Below are some examples of how participants expressed they feel loved with respect to their own love language:
Words of Affirmation
“Tell me good morning and good night every day”
“A random sweet text”
“Little notes / random messages of appreciation / kind uplifting words”
“Telling me that you care”
“Showing me support through words”
Quality Time
“Taking the time to be fully present with me”
“Staying off your phone when we’re together”
“Hanging out / playing a game / one on one time”
“Doing things that you both find fun and enjoyable together”
“Taking the initiative to plan something that we’ll both have fun with, or that you enjoy and want to share with me”
“Watching a TV show or movie together without distractions”
“Sitting me with every day for at least 15 minutes, just talking”
Physical Touch
“Holding hands”
“A simple touch as you walk by”
“A hug and kiss as soon as you enter the house”
“Sitting next to me on the couch”
“When we’re out and you’re confident enough to put your arms around me and show others that you love me”
Acts of Service
“Doing small things without being asked – putting away laundry, grocery shopping, etc.”
“Show me you care by doing things around the house without being asked”
“Taking care of something on my to-do list”
“Pouring me a cup of coffee in the morning”
“Asking me what you can do to help at work”
Gifts
“Surprising me with a cup of coffee goes a long way for me”
“A surprise glass of wine at the end of the day”
“When I’m given a gift it means you were thinking of me when you were out and that means so much”
“I love being surprised with dinner after a long day”
Love languages help us understand each other and connect on a deeper level. But understand this, love is a choice. If you’ve not taken the opportunity to learn another’s love language, or even if you know it and decide not to speak into it, you are choosing the opposite of love. You’re not meeting their emotional needs. Dr. Gary Chapman explains in The 5 Love Languages that when you meet another’s emotional needs, they “feel secure in their love” and they’re able to reach an “emotional contentment” in which thrives their lives. Think of it like a car. It won’t run if you fill up the gas tank once or twice. You have to continuously fill it up, making sure you’re putting in the right kind of gas, too. If your car needs diesel gas and you put in regular, guess what’s not going to run very well? The way you know and take care of your car should be the way you know and take care of your relationships. Fill up another’s love tank on the regular.
A big question in learning about love languages is “what if another’s person’s love language is something that doesn’t come naturally to me?” Ask yourself this – what do you do daily that doesn’t come naturally to you? So really, what’s the difference when it comes to love? Dr. Gary Chapman says “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.” Regardless if another’s language is what comes naturally to you, choose to speak it. You will find more joy and more freedom in filling another’s emotional needs than your own.
If you want better relationships, you have to make a change within yourself. Take the love language quiz, have your spouse/fiancé/boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest, best friends, parents, siblings, everyone take it. If you value any person in your life, learn how to love them well. Remember, its not about you. God’s greatest commandment to us was to love one another. Don’t stop loving. Don’t stop trying. Choose love, and watch your relationships grow.
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